Was standing there in the middle of the room trying to grab a meal, bowl of cereal in hand and then water drops on my arm. I’m thinking; I’m yet to add water to the cereal so water couldn't have splashed from the bowl, so where did that come from?
There comes another drop and another drop and yet another drop, I’m a bit confused now, what exactly is going on?
Then I realized it wasn't water, tears were rolling down my eyes and truth is, it didn't make an iota of sense to me. Why in God’s name am I crying? All of a sudden my hands were beginning to shake, so I drop the bowl of cereal so as not to spill it on my nice Formica floor (can’t even figure out why that silly thought was on my mind at the time), I sit on the floor shaking uncontrollably as the tears flowed in their torrents.
My conscious mind had no idea why I was crying so uncontrollably, but it felt nice, like having a cool shower on a day you weren't even planning on getting up from the bed lol. In my entire adult life, as far as I can remember, this was only the second time I was crying. I didn't even shed a tear when my dad passed, my ideology was that real men suck it up and move on and so did I. plus someone had to be the man and run things on the home front and I couldn't let that someone be anybody else.
The first time ever I shed a tear for whatever reason was a life changing moment that birthed the Obinna that most of you know today and the only human alive that witnessed that was Ebi and that event seems like a very long time ago now, so I’m wondering, what exactly is going on? Could this be another life changing moment? (With hindsight, it was).
Sitting there on the floor, still weeping (crying does not seem to capture the moment properly) uncontrollably, I began to think of what could have “Suddenly” led to this gush of emotions. Then it dawned on me that it wasn't “Sudden”.
I had recently lost my job (which I didn't see coming), my relationship which I thought was okay didn't seem that way anymore and all around me, life seemed to be going on alright without me being an active part of it. I was in a limbo. I have the tendencies of being workaholic, so I intensified my work rate, I kept myself very busy with activities.
If you know me well, you will know that I always have a plan and ten other back up plans in case anything goes wrong with Plan A. I know what I’m going to wear two weeks from now and it is all planned out, I am that meticulous in my planning and here I was in the middle of the park with so much activity going on but no clear sense of direction, but I kept on with the activities.
I had recently reached out to God in a silent brief prayer; “Lord help me, I am sinking”. The tears began to make sense. I could connect that prayer, my activities, and all the events in the recent weeks to the emotional outburst.
While I carried on with the motions of being okay, my sub conscious couldn't take it anymore and needed a release from all the turmoil that was going on inside of me. Hence the tears.
Let me talk a little about activities especially with us church folks.
I know we preach Faith, Positive confessions, Faking it until you make it, etc all of which I am 100% in support of. Trust me, my brothers and I from the cave of Addullam have done some crazy faith stuff that only lives in the imaginations of many. But you see, you must also confront and face your current realities.
In the midst of all the turmoil that was obviously going on within me, I bottled it up and just increased the activities around me to silence the noise going on within and that my dear brother and sister is a highway to depression trust me, I've been there.
We must know when to reach out and who to reach out to.
Yes we keep up the Faith Talk
Yes we keep up the Positive confessions
Yes we keep on the Faith Walk,
But then we must have a channel to let out the welled up emotions or else it will consume you.
Thing is, I don’t know if I would have come to this conclusion had I not said that prayer earlier that day but boy I’m glad I did say the prayer.
And as I sat down there weeping uncontrollably, thinking through details of some of the things I have shared with you while still weeping, I got to a point where I just knew that something had changed. I can’t tell you I heard God say something (I’ll be lying if I say so), but I just knew that something was different, I knew something had changed.
In the midst of my tears, I burst out praying in the Holy Ghost and the interpretation I got of all I was saying was; “Lord use me anyhow you deem fit”.
A few months later I had a sit down with a friend and for the first time I talked about some of the issues I passed through during this period and that chat led to my post on this blog “ITS OKAY TO BE CONFUSED”. If you haven’t read it, please scroll down and do so, and if you have, it’s okay to read it again.
I didn't write this post to gist you how I wept; NO. It is actually 4.30am and I have been awake for the past 2hrs 31mins or so because I have a burden in my heart that someone needs to hear this:
Crying doesn't make you a sissy; it doesn't make you any less a man or woman. The way I see it, it makes you more of a man to show emotions after all, Jesus wept lol. It’s amazing how much better it makes you feel when you let go of all that emotion and burst out, it’s quite therapeutic.
Now some of you might want to lock up yourself somewhere and cry or get a shoulder to lean on, whichever works for you is okay so long as you let go of those piled up emotions, they just might be killing you.
There is someone reading this post right now and it seems as if the whole world is crashing down on you. One of you has this back pain in your upper shoulder region, the other has pains on her right side and it runs all the way from somewhere under your armpits to your waist region another has migraines that comes in passing flashes, I speak a release of the peace of The Lord into you, receive calmness in your spirit man, you are healed.
There is someone else who is on the brink of giving up hope, you are done trying, God said I should tell you to hang in there. Suddenly something will happen that will wipe your tears away.
I am here today, months later and I am way better, I am Stronger, I am Wiser, and above all, I am fulfilling Purpose. I am helping people get out of bad situations, I am helping people find and pursue purpose and truth is, it feels so good.
So talk to someone today. Wives talk to your husbands; Husbands talk to your wives. Don’t let it become an issue before you share it; don’t make them try to figure out what is going on in your head. My guys and babes that are still single, please make yourself accountable to someone, don’t be a lone ranger, it is not safe. Scripture says “In the multitude of ‘godly’ counsel, there is safety.
If you want to, you can talk to me. Send me an email: firstname.lastname@example.org or follow me on twitter @IamOluwaObinna BB pin: 23275ED1
God Bless You!